I've wrote at least five beginning sentences and I keep hitting delete. Must be exactly why it has taken me so long to update on Abigail. Hospital stays are so incredibly stressful and when you mix lack of sleep, bad diet, anxiety and the roller coaster ride of going from one good hour to an awful hour it can take an incredible toll on us.
Our faith never waivers. However, when you are at your weakest point the enemy attacks. The enemy at times may try to control our thoughts making us feel discouraged, weak, frustrated, angry, feeling like we want to give up and many more, but he never takes residency in our heart. So while we may feel those normal human emotions, and unfortunately we have been feeling them so much the last two days, we know that in time they will go away. God is in full control and he knows we are not always strong, so when we can't be...HE Is.
Our trials and tribulations list...3 kids...8 open heart surgeries....8 caths....3 CT scans...3 upper GI's...Too many GI tests to count....and many other tests. Oh and did I mention all in a 4 1/2 yr period with maybe a couple months (if that) in between. AND hearing those words that change your life..."your child is not going to make it," as you feel your heart and soul crushed.
Please understand I'm not trying to play the "woe is me" card. I guess I'm mentioning it for two reasons. 1. It makes me feel better about falling apart sometimes, it gives me that "it's OK" feeling. 2. Through all of it I still want everyone to know that God is good ALL THE TIME and he can lift us up no matter what the course is. I mean look at Job in the Bible....WOW talk about suffering. AND trust me I am fully aware that it could be so much worse. OK...I'm spending too much time on explaining this. sorry.
Guess this is the reason why I am feeling this way now....
Abigail has had quite a few set backs the last few days. Along with the setbacks, we have had to witness things in the room that we have not had to before. We have never been through such a difficult recovery.
-She is still intubated
-Her left lung is still collapsed
-They have found that during her surgery her Thoracic Duct was possibly manipulated
-She still has two chest tubes, main line, arterial line, pacing wires...pretty much only two things have been removed.
-They have had to bag her a few times as she has stopped breathing and turned completely purple
Today was a very difficult day...OK they all have been, but today I was unable to control the tears. They had ordered a Bronch to check her airway space and I chose to be in the room at the same time. I wanted to be there incase something went wrong, since she is at such a delicate state.
When you are watching your child hurting it's so important to tell your self to just "breathe" it seems so simple right?
Well...I had to put a mask on which did not help the fact I couldn't breathe....
then I did what I always talk myself out of....
I went down "the path" of....
Abigail should be at home not lying there with all her tubes as they have her completely sedated with crazy strong drugs.... she should be at home cooing, laughing, playing, making those milestones we love to witness as parents....
The Nurse was so sweet and said, "maybe you should step outside"......the tears were streaming...
Thank goodness I listened, because at that point I could not breathe! I finally took a breath and thought....OK...do not pass out! ( I know it sounds a little dramatic, but...well it was for me)
Thankfully I did not. My walls just had come crashing down...my strength was not there. I had my moment....I still think I am...but I know God will carry me through and give me what I need to recover.
SO..I'm thinking right about now, that there should be a rule about "blogging while in the hospital" I'm going to make a note to myself after this update:
WARNING: Do not "blog" while under the influence of the hospital
SIDE EFFECTS: Might cause concerned family and friends
LONG TERM EFFECTS: Need not to worry...God is in control and will take care of it all, "WE KNOW."
Please help us continue to pray for Abigail's recovery.
Lastly, next update will be on my adorable little guy...who is loving spending time with Grandma Laura and Grandma Marsha. He wants Grandpa Jim and Papa Dave to come back soon.. :)
Sorry one more rambling session...remember when I said I wish there were words that were more powerful than thank you to express our gratitude for all your prayers and comments? Well I found this quote....
The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." Oscar Wilde
Love, the Chez's
Oh, Gosh Terra. What can we say. I am soooo redicuously sorry you are having to go thru this right now. Its so hard, you must be exhausted, (practicully malnurished as well I am sure). Know that we are here, and are willing to love on you, pray for you, and are here to listen to your blogs even if you are under the infulence of the hospital. WE have been there...we know the effects the lack of vitamin B has on you! A few months back I was reading in Matthew, where the sea was raging, and Jesus was sleeping. Sleeping when the disciples were freaking out. I started thinking "why was God letting them freak out" why was he sleeping when the boat was crashing was the desciples were freaking saying "we are going to drown"...I figured it out...well, in the Kathie version I did. He was there the entire time, the storm it was His perfect plan. Maybe He was just waiting to see what THEY would do. They cried out to Him. LORD Save us. He did. Who is this man? Even the winds and the waves obey him? He is the man, the one who holds Abby dearly, who loves her a gazillion times more then you do. Who hold her life, her surgeries, her lungs, her heart in His hand and yet still has room to hold you tightly under his wing as if to hold you like a newborn and comfort you as you want to comfort Abby.
ReplyDeleteLord, bring rest and peace to the Chez family. Your mighty hand is at work and we are in awe and so grateful for your handy work. Thank you for the complete healing in her precious body. Thank you Lord that even now you will turn things around in her body that was made to glorify you. Thank you Lord for the testimony that you are continuing to build in the Chez famiy, so that others may come to know you, and to love you.
We love you Lord and we praise your mighty name.
Amen
Sweetest friend...no explanations needed! *that from the purging blogger ;0)* OH MY GOODNESS do we all "get it". Thank you for sharing...I think when we go 20 hours without a post, we assume she is recovering quickly. *probably just me...in my happy place* It's good to know where you are and how to pray for you...what to ask for.
ReplyDeleteWARNING: I have been known to jump on a plane! ;0)
Lovin what Kat said...I second it. Know that you are all being held tightly...loved on from afar.
How my heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing about Gracie. What a doll baby...I loved reading about her. Seems as if you've been in the "Iron Man" of heart journeys, not by your choice...but His. What faith and strength the Lord has put in you to endure this and through your suffering and your sweet children's, HE IS being praised and glorified. I'm sure that everyone who reads your blog or hears your story, looks up and puts their faith in Him for the healing of your daughter and for your family.
ReplyDeleteHere's a verse that a dear friend sent to me before Maddie was born and I feel it perfectly sums up those feelings when we're in the valley and keep asking "why"...
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1 Peter 4:12
Praying for you and precious Abbey.
In hope,
Katie (Maddie's mom)
I have been a "secret" follower of your blog for a while now. I don't even remember how I originally stumbled onto your blog. Reading your latest entry really made my heart go out to you and your family. You and your family are incredibly strong. Your Faith is inspiring. Prayers are being sent your way from ND.
ReplyDeletePraying for All of You
ReplyDeleteand Holding You Close.
with Hope,
~ Chris A `
Terra and Adam,
ReplyDeleteI have been following this journey via your blog. I shed tears each time I read an update. You are in our prayers and on our hearts all the time. As I have said before, I admire both your faith and courage. God Bless and keep you all.
We will continue to hold you up in prayer.
With love,
Julie, Dave, Kayla and Austin
(St. Pierres friends)
Terra,
ReplyDeleteyou couldn't have put it any better.
i just want to point out - how many times did i call you crying this past year when moriah was in the hospital?
you would always validate my feelings while still encouraging me in my faith.
you are one of the strongest people i know.
i am honored to be your friend, and inspired by your testimony.
im sorry i couldnt be there today, but im glad justin could at least give you a hug from me.
i love you guys.
and just to give you an encouragement from the book YOU gave me.
May 10 pg 188
"Do not despair!
Oh, how great the temptation is to despair at times! Our soul becomes depressed and disheartened, and our faith staggers under the severe trials and testing that come into our lives, especially during times of bereavement and suffering. We may come to the place where we say, "I cannot bear this any longer. I am close to despair under these circumstances God has allowed. He tells me not to despair, but what am I supposed to do when I am at this point"
What have you done in the past when you felt weak physically? You could not do anything. You ceased from doing. In your weakness, you leaned on the shoulder of a strong loved one. You leaned completely on someone else and rested, becoming still, and trusting in another's strength.
It is the same when you are tempted to despair under spiritual afflictions. Once you have come close to the point of despair, God's message is not, "Be strong and courageous" (Josh 1:6), for He knows that your strength and courage have run away. Instead He says sweetly, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Ps 46:10).
Hudson Taylor was so weak and feeble in the last few months of his life that he told a friend, "I am so weak I cannot write. I cannot read my Bible. I cannot even pray. All I can do is lie still in the arms of God as a little child, trusting Him." This wonderful man of God, who had great spiritual power, came to the point of physical suffering and weakness where all he could do was lie still and trust.
That is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to "be strong." Just "be still, and know that (He is) God." And know that He will sustain you and bring you through the fire."
we are praying...
love,
victoria
Terra and Adam,
ReplyDeleteWe wish there was something we could do to ease all of the stress and suffering. One foot in front of the other is all you can do and you are doing it in such fine style:) Abigail and Luke are so very lucky to have such committed and loving parents that truly understand their relationship with God. Stay strong. We are praying and pulling for you each and every day. Praying for the support to come off and for sweet Abigail and you guys to get back to a more normal existence.
Lots of love - Colin, Brooke, Rob and Gretchen Queen
Sending much, much love, friends. Know that we're holding you close...
ReplyDeleteTerra,
ReplyDeleteYou have to fall apart sometimes... you have to be able to cleanse and purge all of the emotions and stress that you endure so that you can gather yourself back up, put yourself back together and move forward. You do it all with undeniable grace. And no one, in their right mind, would ever think you are playing the "woe is me" card. Ever.
Thinking of you, Adam, Luke... your whole family... thinking, of course, of sweet Abigail... and holding you all so very close.
Terra,
ReplyDeleteJust reading this warms my heart and gives me strength when I need it the most. I can't begin to put into words how helpful it is to see my own exact emotions (from love to confusion to anger) put into such articulation. I remind myself to "breathe" every minute of every day lately. Your profound faith is eye-opening for me. It is truly awesome. Thank you. From the deepest part of my heart that has been hurting so much lately. You are an angel.
Lindsey